The Sacred Fuck It Point… I’m becoming familiar with this space
So it’s 12:45am as I begin to write this. I’m laying in bed, mattress on the floor listening to the rain fill all the outside spaces with its loud roar. I feel strange, I am not sure if its because I received the news that my cousin is in intensive care with a head injury, or the fact that I have just read through countless stories of abuse which women have so openly shared with me after I released a survey yesterday…
And here I am nonchalantly watching the clock tick back…. Feeling something stir… knowing I “should” have been in bed hours ago…
But I’m here… awake…
In between states of doing and being… listening…
And so I pick up my laptop and go to my room… something that I don’t really do unless I want background music playing…
Deep breaths… here it comes. oh, it’s coming…
I am fucking scared… and I have been for a long time… to share my journey over the last 2 years ‘publically’ to share MY story… the side that I have kept fiercely private, suffering in silence… and so I boldly step forward… I’ve reached the point of no return… I call this…
The Sacred Fuck It Point…
Fuck all my fears and insecurities, of holding my tongue out of ‘respect’… where the shortcomings of which show me where I am actually disrespecting myself… disrespecting the platform that I have to speak… Disrespecting the privileges that I have to be able to do this… as a soon to be 30year old ‘white’, heterosexual woman living in a safe country…with a roof over my head, food in my belly and access to the internet through various devices and various technology and tools to express my passions and creativity… I am able to share in the joy of watching happy and content children free to wander and explore their world with curiosity. I have no stress to pay rent or ward off sickness or predators. I must honour this privilege and use it for growth and change in service to the greater good of humanity….
OH. HUMANITY… where for art thou?
Truth is I’m fucking blessed…
and I acknowledge that privilege for being born into a middle class Australian family. I’m the first to admit the idiocy of my “first world problems” keeping my feet firmly grounded as I walk my path.
My Facebook feed is a cacophony of dichotomies… and I’m absorbing all of this sensory information through my eyeballs that sometimes want to shut off to all the bullshit and violence that I see… I want to disconnect and disengage…but I know this is lighting an internal fire in me.
At my last Womb Temple in Townsville I shared the medicine of Lilith and Kali… and feel these archetypes stir in me now… calling me to use my voice, to craft my written words like daggers and spears to pierce through the veils of my own comfort and illusion…
Shake up to Wake up
And I sit and I think about this wave of feminine energy rising… More and more women are being called back to remember the ways of the Goddess and well, some are not… and that is cool too!
Through the pathways of the Priestess, my remembering has shifted old beliefs deep in my psyche… Holy moly my journey has taken me to some wild places within. Fierce, Raw and Wild… the primordial mother tongue speaks… and I listen intently.
Externally, what I am seeing is this shyness to embodying the DARK FEMININE… Archetypally represented in many different facets, which all share the same threads and are often depicted or represented symbolically in a negative light, such as Lilith and Kali.
Because THAT side of the feminine is fucking powerful…. Untamable!
She is Nature and Nurture… Death and Birth, Creation and Destruction coexisting in the same space, walking a sacred balance of creation…
And a huge threat to the patriarchal construct.
Boom… HERstory must be acknowledged!
The dark feminine is rising, and she is fucking full force power…. The primordial mother is pissed off. and rightfully so… look at the state of the world right now… what will the future generations of children experience as custodians of the land and dreaming?
I am 20 weeks pregnant and with my womb nurturing another little Goddess, I am feeling this potent mama energy more fiercely than ever before. Being pregnant makes me EXTRA sensitive to the complexities of the world as I am receiving sensory information that is imprinting my unborn baby, I have to be mindful of what I am absorbing… but also, not walking in naivety.
Lets acknowledge a few things here:
Let’s face it… There is mass cultural genocide happening in Australia, PNG, Palestine (Gaza) ,Syria, Africa, Pakistan, USA and other places in the the world
Our indigenous wisdom keepers are being forced off their homelands…
Our water is being tainted, bottled and sold
Our Food Security is being hijacked
Our natural Temples and libraries are being burnt or turned to pulp.
Suicide and Depression is on the rise…
Domestic Violence is destroying the healthy constructs of family and relating.
Drug Abuse/Addiction is on the rise, and newsflash the biggest drug dealers in the world wear suits!
Our sacred rites of passage and initiation have been commodified and systemized which disempowers us.
Mass shootings are becoming ‘normalised’
Governments invest more money into the military industrial complex and war machine then they do in public health and education… into looking after our elders.
Innocent people seeking refuge and asylum are being locked away as prisoners of a war they are victims of.
Symptoms of a world gone mad…oh, you’re not coping… here’s a fucking pill… get back to work…
I’m not writing this to be pessimistic… perhaps a little ranty… it’s just that my tolerance level for this is seriously waning..
I’M MAD AS HELL… And Hell Hath no fury like a woman scorned…
This is the threshold of crossing the Sacred Fuck it Point… where niceties are pushed aside for standing Moral ground…Standing for Meaning… Standing for Truth…Standing for Freedom and Beauty… for Kindness… because if not YOU then Who? We are all a ‘somebody’ and when we all join together we create waves of transformation!
Yea, sure we can all turn the other cheek and throw ourselves to the wolves but that’s not solving anything.
Ignorance is not Bliss… Ignorance is, Ignorance.
What’s the cure of this social dis-ease
And how do we build that?
How is that created?
Through TRUST, vulnerability, accountability and authenticity
In my opinion it’s becoming FULLY SOVEREIGN and responsible for Self, particularly our emotional and mental health. This means owning your story unashamedly. Being bold and curious to express yourself respectfully. Being empathic towards others and helping where/when you can.
Being really really YOU.
Beyond what people want you to be, think, feel..
being autonomous and open to express yourself open heartedly with passion and creativity.
Share your story.. not out of wounding… but from a place of empowerment…
because you now what…
You have to own it so it doesn’t own you!
And so I’ve started writing a memoir. A deep soul excavation… from all of my Sacred Woundings and Imprints.. all the lessons I have learnt and wisdom I have acquired along the way…
What of wisdom if it is not shared?
Reading through these heartbreaking stories in these surveys and feeling into other women’s stories and pain, I began to be able to articulate something that I have felt for a while now…
You liberate yourself from suffering the moment you see the value of your pain. The gift and beauty within the chaos
Your Pain becomes an Asset, it becomes of value…
Part of the Journey out of victim into survivor is owning and claiming our stories, no matter how hard or long that journey in suffering and pain was for.
Everyone processes abuse and trauma in different ways. It depends on our beliefs and attachment mechanisms and trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding infuses the abuse cycle, so what if we were to REFRAME the context as a healthy anchor… the next time a trigger comes up, we have certain tools at hand to RESCUE OURSELVES…. Wiring ourselves as the victors, and we enter in to the realms of self championing and mastery.
cos you know what…
Silence is the best friend of Abuse.
And Radical Self Love is the cure.
This I know, I have been journeying with it since I was small… There are certain people that know different parts of my story, but this evening I had this insight… that If I am to keep this all inside and not DO something with this than my experience becomes meaningless…
All those nights of intense catharsis, feeling completely broken and alone become wasted… all for what?!?
I may not have had any choice is some experiences, some I played a role in, but the reality is…if I just sit and dwell in story and worry then I am actually disrespecting myself…
And I become my abuser.
Healing becomes a committed journey once you reach the Fuck it Point…
the, Enough is Enough…
If I look back and think, Why did that have to happen to me?
Then there is someone else out there that can be spared the similar thread of story
If we can honestly sit with an empathic heart, feeling a deep connection to everyone… then how could we let this happen to others? How could we turn the other cheek… and a blind eye?
This is when I realised that my pain and suffering had value… it’s not a burden but a blessing… now I have a language to connect with others.
my invisible scars become whispers of strength and courage
All of a sudden the experiences have a deeper and more profound meaning, which ignites a fire inside that only those that have experienced being completely powerless will understand.
We are our biggest problem but we are also our Solution.
By speaking up and out I claim my story…. my pain body and my suffering. It no longer has a hold on me.
I no longer hide in shame or suffer in silence. I liberate myself from my own shackles.
I acknowledge where my weaknesses have been, I’ve mapped my underworld… my shadow plane…. We’re now pretty good “friends” cos I’ve had frequent visits, behind closed doors… inside the stillness of the night through internal screams and echoes of voices all conspiring against my beauty of being. I dragged myself there out of Guilt, Shame and Self pity.
Truth is I am fucking strong! I’m still here… showing up… and that means something!
The thing about abuse is that it lives on way longer than any act in the moment.
I can’t shake my head at the current statistics of Domestic Violence in this country and not do something…
To stay silent is to enable this unhealthy behaviour to continue.
To speak from a place of empowered reason provides the platform for growth and change. You elevate yourself archetypally from Victim, to Survivor to Prophet.
Just as Nelson Mandella said,
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
So Fuck it… let the shackles go…
You have full permission to be the best version of yourself RIGHT NOW! Dare to be bold and different. Speak up for those who have lost their voice.
Be kind and generous EVERYDAY… The world needs your special spark, your smile and your laughter.
You are here to be beautiful, to know love and to be love. Don’t let ANYONE or any story keep you from realising that.
May you find peace in your body… Your only real home on this adventure. May your home be kept de-clutterd and healthy. May it inspire you dance your dance and sing your song, showing you how magnificent you truly are. I hope you claim that. I hope you see it. Be kind to yourself during these wild times. For this will be a legacy we pass on to the children of the world.