I finish writing this on the eve of Auraura’s 7th Birthday.
(Note: this will be a long post, grab a cuppa!)
I was 18 when she spoke to me in my dreaming.
She was a strong and gentle soul that was adamant about being birthed through me. At first I thought it was just my imagination running wild, creating stories. I knew from a young age that I was going to be a ‘young mum’ I even knew I was going to be doing it alone-at some stage. I had a vision of me, travelling the world with my little one.
When I first began to dialogue with this child, I felt a deep sense of responsibility that I couldn’t really grasp at the time, but felt the power of what it would mean to become a mother.
Months past and I started seeing a guy a few years older than me. I was completley infatuated in a young lovestruck kind of way. He opened my eyes to a new world which changed my life forever and I knew it was possible to journey with him as a parent. This child in the ether stirred wildly- visiting me in my dreams and waking state. She was ready, but I wasn’t. I kept tuning in to the realms of spirit- of posssiblility and to my potential children. I was seeking their names. Alorah and Zennith came through, but for some reason, Alorah didn’t resonate. Her energy grew stronger and stronger and was almost kind of pushy in her determination for being incarnated.
I pushed her away.
One day I was driving to work and there was a bus that pulled up beside me at the traffic lights.
On the side in massive letters was written: AURORA!
Alright I said laughing… I get it… it was around that time that I made a deal- more so out of frustration from this child’s energy that was so full on.
I said, “When you find your father, I will stop whatever I am doing at the time, and I will commit to bringing you into the world. I trust that you know who he is and that you will make it known to me without a doubt.”
I didn’t feel her energy for another year after that. And that’s when I met Blake. At a nightclub in Cairns called Freakquency- he was a V.J and I remember the first moment I saw him. He was surrounded by this blue auric light and he had really beautiful almond shaped eyes which caught my attention immediately, and in an instant I knew. I was completely infatuated and ufortunately for me at the time he had a girlfriend, but I gave him my number anyway.
About 5 months later we met up at the esplanade in Cairns. I was so nervous. On my break at work I went to the local Crystal shop and for some strange reason spent my last $11 for the week on 5 crystals for him. I picked them at Random and gifted him them in a tree. We started hanging out more regularly and one afternoon we went to see his friends on the Atherton Tablelands. Some woman who was working with an energy named “Auruara” (Which is where we got the spelling from, even though I didn’’t resonate with this woman or her work ) That was the first time I had hear that name since dialoguing with this Childs energy and I took it as a subtle sign that my intuition was indeed correct.
3months later, 2 days after the full moon, I knew instantly.
My body was like clockwork and at first there was the initial shock wave coursing through my body, followed by a rush of excitement, then a
“HOLY FUCK THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING”
it was just shy of my 21st
Happy birthday Donna, you’re pregnant!
I was in a bit of a predicament though as I had been planning to set this really beautiful moment to tell Blake that I loved him, but it never came to pass… and now this… It was going to be a double whammy.
The news wasn’t completely welcomed.
After what felt like a complete stab to the heart, I prepared my mental state to become a single mother.
FUCK, This is happening…. And I’m going to be doing it alone… it’s ok baby… just you and me, we’ll get through this together, I promise.
I went to Townsville to visit my family and to celebrate my birthday. I was unsure of how to tell my mother. I took her out to lunch and shared the news. The response wasn’t good either. In fact, without going into detail, the whole pregnancy was surrounded by negativity and some really nasty energy. My father was quite supportive through it all, he expressed that he wasn’t exactly proud but hey ‘what are you going to do?’ He would often forward me messages of what as being said behind my back between my mother and sister.
My heart took a beating and I found myself consciously shielding my baby from this energy as much as I could.
This is not my story…These are not my wounds.
I found solace through the support of my best friends.
Blake eventually overcame his initial fear of this new change and initiation into fatherhood. We pretty much spent the pregnancy getting to know each other. I was healthy, with no pregnancy symptoms except a few minor cravings.
Being a vegetarian was a challenge as I became borderline anemic, having to supplement with SPATONE, an iron rich mineral drink from a well in Wales. I craved meat, and went through a complete catharsis of belief structures I had cultivated. I began eating meat which allowed me to just maintain healthy levels in my blood so as to not put me at high risk of hemorrhaging.
At 6months Blake and I Moved into the “Love Shack” a little humpy out the back of his grandparents property. Blakes father actually layed the first slab of cement when he found out he was going to be a father to Blake, 24 years prior. It wasn’t much, but it was free and we were happy. With the help of our parents we were able to convert the run down bush shack into a nice little home, ready to welcome our baby into the world. I really wanted to have a homebirth, but the only midwife available was a guy that we felt was quite strange and so we decided the next best option was to birth at the Mareeba Birthing centre. My midwife Gabrielle was absolutely AMAZING in everyway. I pretty much became a walking encyclopeadia during pregnancy, inhaling any information I could about birthing and babys development. Meeting Gabe inspired me to become a midwife in the future.
I was stung by a Scorpion when I was 7months pregnant. After a quick visit to the local hospital to check that everything was fine, Blake and I went along for our first anteatal class, which ended up being better than I had expected. Gabrielle was an absolute blessings to have as a midwife with such a vast array of wisdom to share.
At 40weeks and 9 days we visited Gabe for a check up and to get some evening primrose oil to help things along as we had tried everything, sex, spicy food, walking, I had two cervical sweeps and was 2cm dilated for 2 weeks. This baby was definitely warm and snug inside my womb. That was a Saturday afternoon and we talked about the protocol of me having to go to Cairns Base Hospital on Monday to talk about a potential induction. I was adamant that I was not being induced. Gabe stopped talking for a moment , cackled and said-
“AH… you’re already there girl”
and then she ushered Blake over to have a look.
“You see that glow she has, that radiance coming from her eyes… You’re in labour my dear, I wouldn’t be surprised if Baby comes tonight”
She was right
at 3am, I woke up with contractions. I was both scared and excited and rang the hospital to let them know what was happening. My contractions were 10mins apart and regular. The midwife on duty told me to get some rest and call when they became closer together.
At 7am in the morning my contractions were 5mins apart. I called my mother (we had been on speaking terms since I was around 6months pregnant) to let her know that labour had started. She suggested that we make our way to the hospital as we lived an easy half hour drive away. I don’t remember much of the drive aside from me having my arse up on the dash board, cradling the seat with my arms, absolutely tripping out on fractal geometries and what seemed to be this high speed auditory transmission that I couldn’t fully hear, but on some level could totally understand.
I was completely high as a kite!
(I have had another experience like this in an ayahuasca journey, which I’ll write about in a few months)
We made it to the hospital around mid morning, I think, and were shown to the room we would be staying in. Unfortunately for us it was out in the boon docks of the hospital…it wasn’t even in the maternity ward, as strangely enough they had four labouring women which was unprecedented in this small rural hospital.
My contractions were still regular but had slowed down. Blake and I chilled out in the room for a while and then I walked the grounds outside, hoping to allow labour to progress steadily. After lunch, the birthing suite became available and we moved in for the journey. The room was dark and large enough to move around comfortably, I was lucky enough to have a private bathroom with a deep bathtub. I was very keen on waterbirthing. Labour progressed slowly but surely. I Jumped into the bath for a bit and had the most amazingly beautiful sound journey where my breath and birth song sounded like the sound of a whale-sort of sounding the words “Oww!” over and over, they were elongated and so beautiful.
I remember being outside of my body, looking down at myself in this beautiful moment of fullness. When I came back into my body I looked up to see my other midwife, Jaya with her eyes closed and a big smile on her face in deep reverence for Wombman… in this sacred ritual and journey towards bringing life into the word. In that moment I could feel how honoured she was to be witness, as she would with all births before and after mine, she was there, with Wombman, completely present and in gratitude for the unfurling mystery.
mid = “with”, wīf = “woman”
The bath relaxed me into the process but my contractions started to wane and my flesh became wrinkled so I began to walk the birthroom floor again and dance to the prog music I had selected for my birth music. Casey, one of my close friends and birth support partner arrived just after 4pm and bought a delicious fruit salad. I remember Blake, Casey and I were gathered around the surgical bed eating fruit, laughing and then I would start to have a contraction- and they would laugh even more. It was hilariously intense, and my midwife came in to see how I was progressing. When she saw us she let out her cackle and said,
“Oh you’ve got a while to go yet, you’re still smiling, I’ll come back and check on you later”
Throughout the previous few hours I had made sure to keep my fluids up by drinking lots of water as that was drummed into my ear by multiple sources. Only problem for me was that everytime I tired to go to the toilet, I would get a contraction and then I couldn’t pee. This started to make things uncomfortable.
The contractions started to intensify at 2mins apart. I could feel that I was slowly approaching transition. Then my mother arrived. I don’t remember much but I do remember her energy ripping through the birth field and subsequently my contractions started to weaken. Gabe saw this, and she told mum to come outside for a bit.
A few hours later and 6cm dilated, I had a bloody show. The smile was wiped from my face as soon as I started vomiting with contractions. It’s not that I felt sick per se, it was more that my body was being over stimulated with intense sensations and the only way to respond was to throw up. I was actually glad we had fruit salad earlier as the taste was still sweet and didn’t burn like bile would have.
I remember having these moments with Blake holding my hands, going deep into my breath on the peak of the contraction and opening my eyes after the exhale only to see Blake looking completely blissed out and high on the energy… Needless to say I was a little pissed off! Haha.
I guess it must have been around 7pm when Blake had a break for something to eat. I was in and out of the bath but couldn’t get comfortable and the warm water seemed to slow the contractions down.
By this stage, I started to feel pressure in my pelvis and I squatted with an urge to bear down.
I called “Down baby, Down….Down Baby, c’mon Down.”
I kept walking the floor and begun to feel the stress in my calf muscles. My labour was creeping into the night and I noticed Casey had passed out asleep on the bean bag. Bless her, for being up early and working all day only to come straight after work to be the support I needed.
Gabrielle left me pretty much undisturbed, and would check in occasionally to see how I was progressing. Apparently all I kept saying to her was…
“From Maiden to Mother…. Maiden to Mother”
That’s how she knew that I was doing fine, completely committed to the process as it was happening.
It was after midnight by this stage. I still hadn’t peed, and my legs were in excruciating pain. The pressure from by bladder and full bowels made it feel like I was having a full back labour. I was becoming exhausted from being on my feet. Gabe suggested I get onto the birting bed which she positioned into a semi reclined but upright position. Just being off my feet felt so much better and the contractions then started to build in intensity and frequency again.
I had passed transition and was now 9cm dilated. I had no idea It would take so long to open a measley 3cm! far out!
I kept riding the peaks and valleys of my contractions but felt to get vocal. I started yelling… not because I was in pain, but moreso because I could. I had seen this on tv and I was exhausted and frustrated. So I belted out a few FUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKS!!!!! I was reminded to come back to my breath and direct the sound down. A midwife by the name of Liz, came in, looked me in the eye and said
“Right, this is what you’re gonna do, you’re gonna push like you need to do a big shit, ok. You can do this”
It was probably about 1am at this stage, Blake and Casey each has a leg up near their shoulders which provided counter pressure and leverage for me to begin to push. I was finally fully dilated.
Feeling so much pressure from not being able to pee, Gabe inserted a catheter and it honestly felt like 2L of water gushed out… It was such an amazing relief. Seriously, WOW! My contractions became even more stronger and rhythmic after than. Gabe directed me to push, now that I actually felt how to do it. With a deep guttural grunt I flexed my muscles and pushed with each contraction. All of a sudden Gabe said,
“Do you want to reach down and feel your baby’s head?”
So I reached down and felt this soft slimy bulge between my splayed legs. I thought it felt strange. Gabe continued to direct me to push. It seemed like another hour had passed, Gabe’s tone of voice changed and she became more firm with her commands to push… Until we realised it wasn’t the baby’s head. My membranes hadn’t broken yet and I had bulging fore-waters.
I’ll never forget Gabe’s face when she said like, “Now Donna, I know you said you wanted to have a completely natural Birth with no interventions, but we have 3 options here. One I can rupture the membranes myself which will help things progress. Two we can wait for them to rupture, in that case they will most likely burst and hit the wall, or your baby will be born in the caul.” She said all of this with her hand placed on the membranes, and her body slightly to the side with her head out of the way of possible fluid trajectile. It was pretty funny and I got a good giggle out of her demeanour. I was exhausted by this point though, so I welcomed her to rupture the membranes. At once I could feel a warm gush between my legs. A few minutes later, the contractions came back stronger and it finally felt like pushing was actually being productive.
I felt my baby’s head start to crown, I reached down and could feel this warm, slimy sensation… a head full of hair!
The intense sensations of contraction, expansion and stretching to allow the head to pass through started to creep in. Gabe called me to push, and rather than listen to her, I felt to ride through the contractions and allow myself to rest for a moment.
Gabrielle continued calling me to push…
I remember yelling at her firmly, “I’m letting it burn” which was in reference to my perineum, which felt like it was on fire and stretching at an exponential rate, my skin felt razor sharp and thin, that there was a fine line between expanding and splitting.
The head was birthed, quickly followed by the rest of the body, into papas hands and placed directly onto my bare stomach.
I will never forget the first moment I looked at my first child… into pure untainted consciousness…
The most profoundly beautiful and surreal moment of my life.
This little alien like being that had just found its way from my warm watery womb, into my arms. Squinting, this precious little soul lifted her head and looked around the room. I didn’t know newborns could do that! So strong., and then the birth crawl started as she searched for the breast for a feed. 10 minutes later the placenta was birthed- such an amazing feeling of completion.
I decided to lotus birth, and Gabe found an old icecream bucket to place the placenta in. I am pretty sure this was the first Lotus Birth for Gabe and the Mareeba Birth Centre.
I did it… after an intense initiation, I had made the transition from maiden to mother.
After about half an hour of bonding and imprinting time, Gabe asked what the baby’s sex was. Oh.. that’s right… I reached my hand underneath baby’s bottom…
“It’s a girl!”
The last song that played just before she was born was ‘Once Upon a Sea of Blissful Awareness’ by Shpongle.
We were allowed to bond for about an hour all up before it was time to move and clean up. A female doctor came in to do all the after birth protocols. At first I didn’t want to put Auraura down, my mum reassured me it was ok, that she was just getting measured. My eyes became fixed on every movement… like hawk eyes… sharp and focused. My body began tuning into every twitch and cry that Auraura made. I never expected the maternal instinct to hit me so strongly… It was a fiercly protective energy, that even after my baby was wrapped and asleep, I didn’t want to leave her to go for a shower. My mother, once again reassured me, and told me to go clean myself up…
Well.. that was perhaps the funniest and most horrifying shower of my entire life…
Not only did my belly now resemble a massive jiggly tit since my belly button was still protruding… when I began washing all the blood from my legs, I reached down and the expression on my face dropped to…
“oh no…. and then I reached further…. Oh fuck… I hope all that goes back”
They don’t tell you about this part in Antenatal class! I passed a few large clots which were pretty wild looking, and then my mother came in with my change of clothes. I asked her to grab me a maternity pad which I had purchased and put in my hospital bag. Mum said “oh, no not those, here…” and then proceeded to hand me what I can only describe as an adult sized nappy. I laughed at her, and then I realized she was actually serious…How the fuck do you put that on… was my first thought… lucky mum had been so kind to go and buy me a pair of granny nickers, cos my little bikini briefs were not going to be very helpful.
I stayed in hospital for 4 days recovering and making sure I felt confident with breastfeeding.
One of the most intense afterbirth experiences for me was the lack of sleep- and what I mean by this is that every time I went to fall into a deep sleep, I would snap out of it and stay awake. Even though Auraura was perfectly safe, warm and asleep- something kicked in where I would constantly check if she was still breathing. I was so exhausted in those first few days, It wasn’t until we went home that I could finally rest…. Well sort of, little did I know that Auraura Freedom would test my wits in more ways than I ever thought imaginable…
But that is another story…