Throughout my life I have traversed vast landscapes of human emotions- such intoxicating drama really! In the necessity to be seen and heard I stumbled upon a mantra long ago- etched into the chasm of an aching heart. Within these intimate walls I found it, scribed- with deep scarification as if I had been there before…many, many times… heavy and broken. In complete overwhelm, I allowed the words to seep through the cracks of my broken heart. In this intimate moment of chaos and confliction, a lotus bloomed from the murky waters of heart-ache. Each petal unfurled and plucked my heart strings with gentle resonance. So it was to be, as the lotus blossomed from the mud, I found the medicine of heartbreak:
I breathed a sigh of relief as the words offered a gentle reassurance to my bruised heart and tear soaked cheeks. I was young. 19 in fact and donning rose coloured glasses, I viewed the world with a sweet naivety that only growing up in the suburbs of a small town in Queensland can breed. The big city purred like an engine and I found myself floating helplessly outside the vortex of the drumming drones, saturated in neon promises to fill my cup with shit I didn’t need. I may have been lost- rural girl like me, swimming in a sensory sea of stimulation, if it weren’t for being rescued by those simple words with such clarity. I was sitting on a rooftop in Melbourne- crafting a lengthly letter to a lover from a relationship that had just abruptly come to an end. I had a tendency to write and pour my heart out- often at times I would wear my heart on my sleeve for others to sit back and just watch it bleed! I didn’t mind though, I was being real- and yea, maybe my youth provided the fertile playing field for unnecessary drama- after-all I grew up watching TV and Hollywood movies- this is what it means to be an adult right? These were my reference points and I didn’t know any better.
Maybe it was the transformative energy of the Autumn Equinox that enabled this change of perspective. It happened whilst crafting this novel of a letter. I found myself consumed in thoughts and stories. The archetypal victim sprang forth, screaming of heartbreak ,dribbling heavy hearted accusations onto paper… as if to somehow validate its experience. You said that… you made me feel this…I’m so hurt… I love you so much… blah blah blah- purge purge purge! If I remember correctly (as it was almost a decade ago now) I think I got up to page 4 or 5 of this drool before I had the realisation… If I love someone.. than that is ok.. If they don’t love me back in the same way.. than that is ok too- and if that is so than if I am loving unconditionally than it wouldn’t matter either way! I would continue to love freely, honestly and with an open heart regardless. This AHA! moment snapped me out of victim mode and back into the front seat- steering this experience in a direction that I was happy with. I tore up the emotive ramble and started fresh. My tears spilled as did the ink from my pen.
The note read something along the lines of: “Dear…. I Love you, Love is”
Immediately after I finished this simple little note- I felt the weight of my heart ease. Suddenly the tears stopped flowing and I looked up to the sky and laughed! “It’s so simple- I get it!!!!” Wow- how much drama I could’ve created for myself.
So the lesson is, that Love is…
If you truly love someone than it is what it is- when we love unconditionally we free ourselves from the trappings of stories- and also provide the other person with their freedom to choose. Love is an energy and a state of being. It can not be owned nor taken. It can not be lost our used to create restrictions. Love is expansive and all encompassing, it can grace you with it’s presence in a small fleeting moment or linger for however long you choose to accept it into you life. When we decide to step outside of the the story- and let go of all expectations, love flows and grows in ways we can never define or imagine. There is a great mystery to this vital life force energy that triggers us to somehow want to capture and possess it.
Taking the medicine of this mantra allowed me to find my way through the copious ‘dark nights of the soul’ which I found myself succumbed to. In the darkest moments when my heart felt like it was caving in on itself, when I was broken on the floor in a complete mess, I would often come back to these simple and profound words.
Love is… it just is… there is no need to label it, attach conditions to it that justifies its worth to someone else. Love is the fruit from the universal seed implanted inside us all- waiting to be nurtured, to blossom our hearts with grace and wonder. I love deeply so this lesson was one of the hardest to learn and a process which was a psychological test. I made my way through and now have a grasp of the vocabulary and I feel as though I brought back a map to share with others.