We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. ~Maya Angelou
What an INTENSE week for me… far out! I had definitely been feeling a subtle stirring but then all of a sudden this massive purge of emotion and fears came bubbling to the surface and I found myself in crisis mode. I am very happy to admit that I have not been coping well … I have installed really staunch coping mechanisms which help to override my internal systems yearning for rest and balance….
Just keep going… keeping pushing… you can do it… go.. go… go… more more more…
Top that all off with this feeling of a massive energetic shift taking place and understanding that crisis is ABSOLUTELY essential as the catalyst for dramatic growth and change… so woohoo for this epic experience… and hold on for the ride kids!
That’s where I am at right now. On the brink of feeling so fucking confused as to where my path with heart is leading… am I still on it or have I been distracting myself and actually gone cross country into the dark jungles of habitual nature? Where am I? Who am I, and how the heck did I forget all those jewelled lessons that have taken many heart beatings to earn? I am humble enough to admit when I feel I am lost and scared and that sometimes I want to curl up into a ball and roll away. Though I know that is not my journey and for me, as a shadow warrior, I venture deeper into the dark. Into the void of self. With no light… just my internal compass, sense of knowing and deep remembrance of this space…
I created it.. I am it and it is me.
As I breathe life into this place, it feeds me unpleasant sensations and emotions that show me where my cracks are… shows me where I have strayed, where I haven’t been as conscious as I know I can be, where my energy is to be directed to nurture rather than neglect . I’ve got some cleaning up to do and like any shadow warrior, I am not afraid to own my shit… to see it for what it is and heal it at the roots, at the split in my perception where I felt it necessary to suppress these parts of myself, where I have chosen to bite my tongue and to not authentically express my truth. Scorpion rears it’s tail and strikes…. Venom can also be medicine. My purge of frustration and chaos shows me the clear way to transform these energies.
My marriage is being put through the ringer and rightly so we are being tested hardcore… I have noticed the cycles of our dynamic with the ebb and flow of connection and intimacy. We dance, but lately it feels boring and stagnant. So of course this is the breeding ground to stir things up, to get things moving and evolving. The energy that I have been tuning into tells me that as the frequencies rise, anything that is not in alignment with our truth will start to crumble and fall away. I find myself in the thick of it now… and I have been shown some deeeeeeep majick in the sacred union of the BeLoved… and to really enter into this dance with my husband I have had to express and also hear some unpleasant feelings.
We are in process of composting. Sometimes when you are in these states it feels like a make or break situation- where the fork in the road is so close and you know the decision is coming of whether to keep journeying, or feeling into when it feels like you’ve reached the destination of your experience together. All in all, as with any partnership, clear communication is key to cultivating deep intimacy- Into Me I see… where you both have the freedom to navigate through your own journey to reach out and say,
“Hey… this isn’t working! What are we doing… where are we going… is this where our energy is best served… Are we in alignment with our Truth?”
As I journey deeper into my sense of self, and navigate through the mysteries of many archetypes and facets of wombman- I find myself opening to a deep majick and I yearn to be truly seen and matched in that with complete presence and direction from my man. I love my husband deeply and am truly committed to this journey, no matter how challenging… as we unfurl ourselves deeper and constantly meet each other fresh and new as we evolve together. I am reminded by part of the vows I made to him on our Sacred Union.
I offer you my complete humility when I steer off course, I trust you to guide me when I cannot see the Way.
Sometimes the challenges arise when you feel like “you” are the only one dong the “work”… the internal work… the healing from past stories and imprints. Journeying with healing the inner child, cos let’s face it… we’re all pretty messed up from our upbringing in some way shape or form… and that’s part of being human… part of our contract here. It makes things dynamic and exciting. It gives us another mission to unweave and de-program ourselves from the collective bullshit paradigm of group-fear and unconscious imprints. Facing the shadow is one of my greatest pains and also my greatest joys, for as I uncover myself in all my glory- the good the bad and the ugly- when I make peace with the self inflicted suffering… I see the world in a new lens, each time.
To paraphrase something my friend Dan says, “The world is a mirror! Our external world is reflected by our internal world… to change your appearance, it makes no sense to comb the reflection does it?”
But that is half a step really! the other half is making sure you actually clean your freaking mirror- so as to see the world clearly without distortions! Sometimes its just our mirror that makes things look and appear worse then what is actually presented in front of us. Sometimes we get carried away with doing the internal work… we get stuck at nit picking ourselves to death, and we do it with such tenacity that sometimes, it is important to remember to just be gentle with ourselves… and check in…
Is this perception authentic or am I over analysing the whole situation?
So, I know there is a lot stirring on the astrological level and I am right “on time” with my processes leading into the epicness of April. Part of me doesn’t play into the cosmic level so much as the practical. I find it is important to be aware of many different factors, but I for one will not push my problems on to the cosmic scapegoat – space-goat.
I will always take responsibility and hold myself accountable for my actions and consequence thereof. I am not perfect, I don’t have it all figured out. I am learning and growing just as everyone else is. I find it of utmost importance to be humble enough to express your humility in such circumstances, that it is ok to be freaking out and confused! Life is a grand journey into whatever we choose to journey towards as our “higher purpose” becomes the wind beneath our tattered sails. Humility connects us to others, it breeds empathy and cultivates heartspace.
Hosting the Moon Temple this month was quite a challenge and I found it very necessary to provide transparency to the women that I journey with to know that I’m having a hard time and in need of support. As a facilitator, being honest with my own processes and vulnerability is something that keeps me grounded and connected to the women that I journey with. I am very fortunate to have found myself amongst some really amazing and inspiring women who shared their heart and offered me valuable reminders of things I have learnt and forgotten. This is part of the reason why I am passionate about creating solid community. As we each hold and support each other… I find this particulary important as a person that is constantly doing- to be reassured that support is there, that when we all journey together in cultivating our heart space, we lessen the load for the individual and give rise to the strength of the group. The future leaders are not indiviuals, they are groups. May we all find strength and inspiration from cultivating our common unity in community.
So now, I feel like I am entering into a stage of metamorphosis, I can feel my cocoon developing as I pull all threads inwards. Part of the reason why I have not done a video blog this past week… Now is the time for me to go in deep. To be ready to make a quantum shift in my evolution of Self. To top all this off, My tooth broke… One of my biggest fears and nightmares come true. Whilst eating museli.
MUSE-li…. oh universe, you are too funny!
To anyone who happens to read this and is feeling the intensity, just ride it through! Spiral out and in… the only way out of the “darkness” is through it. This is no time to make brash decisions! Just wait until you find some clarity, strength and steady footing. You are not alone in your pain and discomfort. There are many people going though immense changes right now and we are constantly being tested to walk our truth.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
– Anais Nin
You’ve got this…We’ve got this…
Top: “Cocoon” by Scott Sawyer. Bottom: “Cocoon” by Natalie Tyler